Are you saying these words?!

Biking along Gladstone to class the other morning, a previously parked car pulls out, nearly hitting me.

Mirror check? Signal light? Not for this guy.

Then, just as suddenly and almost as quickly, he backs up. Another near miss.
Out comes the Biker Rage.
"Hey, watch out!"
The be-capped grandpa rolls down his window and yells, "Don't be so stupid! I was in front of you!"
To which I reply, as I bike past, "That doesn't count if you're parked!"
The answer, which is gloriously accompanied by -- I'm not even kidding -- a fist-shake:
"Mind your own business!"

Oh. Em. Gee.
Perhaps you'll disagree, but I'm fairly positive that almost getting hit twice fully qualifies as "my business."

Overheard

Overheard at Manx while enjoying the best brunch in town:

Guy-Sitting-in-Booth With Girl waves to Guy-Behind-Bar.

Girl-Behind-Bar to Guy-Behind-Bar: "Are they boyfriend/girlfriend?"
Guy-B-B: "Yes, unfortunately."
Girl: "Why 'unfortunately'?"
Guy: "'Cause I hate her."
Girl: 'Wha...?"
Guy: "I just hate her."

***

Simple. Straightforward. Honest. And goddamn hilarious as far I was concerned yesterday, enjoying my Good Peep breakfast while sitting at the very-same bar, reading the paper. And I thought about posting it here, for no other reason than I thought it was funny.

And then I came home today after work. And it suddenly occurs to me that this very snippet of overheard conversation ties neatly into my own life.

***

One of my darling roommates is dating this... woman. I met her as they embarked on their second date, shortly after I arrived at McLeod Street. Upon meeting this... woman, I had an intense visceral reaction. I disliked her. For no apparent reason. Strongly.

It's an uncomfortable feeling because there are very few instances in my entire life when I've felt this way. Sure, you can get to know someone and legitimately think, "Man, this person is pretty stinky." Or even still, you can glean an impression about someone through their encounters with others and reasonably think, "Seriously, that person sucks balls." But when gut-reaction results in strong dislike, it feels just plain old mean.

No biggie, right? I was doing well, behaving nicely, keeping it in check, and posturing enough pleasantries to get by. But a few weeks ago, after listening to Roommate-In-Question go on about "issues" with this... woman and that he was going to have to have "the talk" with ...her, a moment of weakness took over and I proclaimed my instinctive aversion. I know!! Thankfully R-I-Q is very understanding and appreciated the frankness. Phew!

But, for some reason -- reason being R-I-Q is the Ultimate Nice Guy -- R-I-Q can't fully bring himself to giving this... woman the boots. And so I'm stuck feeling this retched animosity (wait, is it still animosity if it's one-sided?) every time she's in the house. She's just so... rotten. The only thing I don't actively dislike about her is that she looks like a porcelain doll. Right down to the mouth. It's kind of cool, in a weird sort of way.
See? I have actually been trying to find positive traits. What does it say that the porcelain-doll-thing was the best I could come up with?!

This... woman had just arrived as I came home from work. I decided that tonight, not tomorrow, would be the ideal time to do laundry. All of it. Plus an extra cycle in the dryer to ensure that my socks were fully dry. Stupid Gladstone and your stupid 30-minutes-for-a-dollar dryer cycles! What can a 25 year-old Harvest Gold dryer possibly dry in thirty minutes? Nothing. But oh! tonight my disdain for the lackluster quality of my local laundromat was like cotton candy and chillin' there with the surly Asian laundress -- who, clad in slippers, feels it necessary to physically nudge me out of her way as frequently as possible no matter where I situate myself -- was welcome relief to remaining in the presence of...her. Her, of The No-Personality. Her of The Condescension. Her, The ultra-Suburbanite (and Ottawa Suburbanite is on a whole different plane than your run-of the mill variety), Car-Driving, Make-up While-Wearing-Sweats, What-Do-You-Mean-"No-Meat-&-Potatoes" ...woman.

So much venom, huh? And you're thinking, "Ali! The cattiness!!"
Pfft. Yeah. So?
"Is it really necessary?"
Yeah-huh.
"Really...?"
Yup.
"Oh my."
Believe it.

***

K, new rule for the blog: no more posts immediately after reading David Sedaris. He's allowed to bring out the bitch 'cause he's funny and, you know, David Sedaris.

Repeat three times:
I am not David Sedaris.
I am not David Sedaris.
I am not David Sedaris.

This week's Best Imagery Prize goes to...

This glorious nugget of descriptive gold is courtesy of a friend. *Sigh* I only wish I could take credit for this beauty! Anyway, it's such a gem, I had to share.

So, I figure that I'm an unraveled best of Queen cassette on the side of the road. Well, everybody loves Queen, and you can't figure out why anyone would throw it away. But really, you've got it at home on CD, so you're not gonna try to salvage it.

Not that I really think this about myself, but I sort of got wrapped up in the process of fleshing out the description...

Creative Destruction

Oh, Rob Brezsny -- how I enjoy your take on astrology!

My Free Will Astrology Horoscope for this week:

Dear Rob:
Thanks for being in my dream last night. We were in a beat-up, barely running old Chevy on a windy, dusty trail. You explained that it would be highly beneficial for a Sagittarian like myself to demolish this junker. With me behind the wheel and you riding shotgun, we slowly and gently smashed it again and again into the side of the cliff, cracking and denting and tearing it up. Then we got out and hammered it with logs. I felt free when I woke up, like I'd achieved some great feat.
-Liberated Wrecker.

Dear Liberated:
I'm pleased I could join in the work that you (and all Sagittarians) are best suited for right now: creative destruction. It was smart of you to dismantle a symbol of what you'll no longer settle for and that wouldn't drive you to where you need to go anyway.

So, ladies and gentlemen of my blog readership, I put this to you: any suggestions??
I'm pumped. My friend was telling me but a few days ago that this is the season of renewal.
Bring it on.

Ali's Sage Advice for the Day

Keep the promises you make to yourself.
It's easy to underestimate just how important they are.

At the end of the day, you've only got yourself.

Why do I have to keep learning these things the hard way...?!

And we're back!

I apologize for the 3-week hiatus. Unacceptable, I know, but believe me the reasons behind the absence... well, you wouldn't believe 'em even if you'd been sitting on my shoulder the entire time. 'Cause I was there, and I don't think I really believe it all. Ugh.

Anyway, I'll probably tell you about it sometime, especially if you ask super nice or ply me with alcohol.

So for now, onward.

And posts should happen on a more regular basis now, what with the household's ultra tricked-out router and Wi-Fi what-have-you's.